My first child was born at home on the 2nd of December, 2009. We chose a very well reputed, experienced, and highly intelligent licensed midwife to attend us. She also happened to be kind, beautiful, and very funny. I saw a Nurse Practitioner twice during my pregnancy- once at 11 weeks then again at 36 weeks- to ensure that I was low risk and fit to deliver my baby at home. Starting at 12 weeks, we visited our midwife and her apprentice in her office every 4 weeks until 28 weeks when we saw her every other week then weekly after 36 weeks. During our visits we talked about everything from parenting and birth to personal and relationship issues to funny stories and films and books we liked. We laughed and sometimes I cried and she became our friend and confidant. We checked my weight and urine at each visit as well as the fundal height, baby’s heart rate, and positioning of the baby. We attended 5 weeks of birth classes/ pot-lucks with five other home birth couples facilitated at the ‘birth hut’ where we watched videos of births and discussed birth, breast feeding, vaccinations, any complications that might occur, and we made birth plans including emergency plans should we need to take our labor to the hospital. At 36 weeks our birth ‘team’ also
met at our home to familiarize with our set-up, and discuss our birth plan. Our care was very thorough, and I sought advice and read birth stories/philosophy in preparation, my due date came and went and five days later my passage into Motherhood began. The moon was full.

The first contractions started after a moderate walk around our hilly neighborhood. My husband, Jerrmy, and I ate lunch, and I felt it would be good to take a second walk at the park- get things going. Around 3 p.m. we went to the park with a couple hot chocolates and walked the trail. We had to stop a few times when I could not walk through. Contractions were coming every 10-15 minutes and becoming pretty painful; definitely more ‘noteworthy’ than the contractions I had been experiencing during the last weeks of my pregnancy. We went home and Jerrmy began to ready the birth pool.

He moved the kitchen table and duct taped drop plastic to the linoleum. At around 5:30 I called our midwife, Jennifer, and her apprentice, Mariah, to come check me. My contractions were 5 minutes apart and getting pretty intense, I thought. Jennifer was positive and excited, saying, ‘alright!’ over the phone. I was less excited, professing to her that ‘it hurts really bad.’ When Jennifer and Mariah arrived around 6:30, my contractions became a little ‘stage frightened,’ as I now had an audience. I had a few contractions but could still talk. Jennifer checked me- I was 2-3cm dilated, fully effaced and the baby was ‘very low.’ I was in labor but still able to chat and ‘cut up’ so the ladies left for a couple hours. An hour or so passed. Contractions were steady and strong. I called Jennifer and asked her when she was coming back, she asked me if she should come, and I said I’d call back. I hung up the phone and had my husband call her back almost immediately to tell her to come. It was around 8:30-9:00p.m. I was on my knees leaning over the back of the couch having contractions every 2 minutes when Jennifer arrived once more. With each contraction, I would moan and sway my hips while rolling my ankles to try to relax (the ankle is reflexive to the womb area, I thought I remembered from massage school.) I cried- big crocodile tears, very sadly- knowing that this was very painful but certainly could not be ‘it.’ Jennifer checked me again: 4 cm. I knew that I needed to do something different because I was not dealing with the pain very well and I was tired. It was “bedtime” for me, and here I was just getting to work! I was able to get somewhat comfortable in my bed, bolstered with pillows. The room was dark, lighted only by a small lamp. My husband laid at my feet rubbing them when I would start to squirm with a contraction- he fell asleep and snored while I continued to have some insane contractions but was able to stay still and let my body do the work. It was really intense but a beautiful part of my labor- I was basically zoning out. In between contractions I drifted then returned back into my
body when the rush would return. My eyes were closed, feigning sleep while I would have all these bizarre light visuals- really quite psychedelic. With each contraction, I just tried to be quiet- not react but breathe, lay limp, and let it happen instead of trying to do anything to make it better. Mariah came to check the baby’s heart rate every so often. I cannot be sure how much time passed. I started to not be able to stay still for the contractions and I needed to use the toilet. When I returned to the bed I could not get back to ‘that place’ where I had been resting. I wanted to get in the water. The birth pool was not quite a quarter of the way to where it needed to be and
it really was too soon to use the water for relief but I needed to do something different so Jennifer suggested that Jerrmy and I bundle up and go outside for a while, walk around and look at the full moon then maybe take a shower after. We layered up and I put on m’fur boots and comfy coat and out into the chilly night we went- the moon was bright but covered by wispy clouds- it was really beautiful. We walked to the end of the drive where I had a contraction. I leaned on Jerrmy and shamelessly moaned aloud. We then took a stroll around our yard which was quite uneven and generously covered with leaves- a bumpy little trek. I was able to walk through some of the contractions and then others I had to stop and hang on Jerrmy. It was nice to go outside for a while- the change of scene helped.

I took a hot shower when we returned indoors and brushed my teeth - sounds quite simple but it was a nice distraction; Jerrmy sat quietly waiting for me. He had been very quiet the entire time, actually. After the shower I tried various ways to get comfortable- we made a pallet on the floor next to our stereo but I was unable to lay still - i tried to labor on my hands and knees but that was no good so back to the couch I went- hanging over the back in the same position as before, moaning like before but this time it was more intense. I was semi-aware of what was going on around but was very much ‘in my head.’ Jerrmy, Jennifer and Mariah took turns putting hot towels on my back, applying pressure on my sacrum unless I indicated otherwise. I felt I might vomit, after a strong contraction I heaved over the back of the couch - nothing.

My coping at this point consisted of my trying to (1) not panic (2) breathe as deep as I could and (3) remind myself that I could not do this tomorrow. I kept semi-hoping that the labor would stop and start again the next day, after we slept (I’m a procrastinator.) Also it helped with the three said things to remind myself that my baby was coming out so what was happening a good thing. I still wasn’t sure that this was ‘it’ although clearly, it was. I prayed several prayers of gratitude, expressed my thanks for my baby, that I was able to be pregnant and carry my baby, and said good bye to my pregnancy.

Meanwhile, Jerrmy and Mariah were working to fill the birth pool. This is the most hazy section of time for me. Jennifer checked me again and I was dilated to 6 1/2 - I could now get in the pool. My ‘waters’- I should mention- were intact and would stay intact although I mistook the ‘show’ for waters several times. We would check the fluid with pH paper but it was inconclusive because both blood and amniotic fluids are very basic. Laboring in the birth pool was nice, I feel. The water was warm and comforting and made changing positions easier, still I ended up hanging over the side just as I had over the couch. My contractions were coming farther apart but were very intense, I felt a lot of pressure on my pelvic floor. At this point I was really feeling chaotic- I dreaded each contraction but kept reminding myself that what was happening was good and tried to just surrender and reminded myself again to not panic. I moaned and repeated a low pitched “Noooooo, Nooooo, God, Noooo” during several contractions. I was definitely not afraid to use my voice! After a particularly intense contraction my entire body heaved and I began to vomit, over and over until I was empty - then I heaved some more; and while it was shocking, it felt good - a release.

I asked Jerrmy for some ’Rescue Remedy.’ I just remembered that was a part of my plan for coping, whether or not it helped- Rescue Remedy. “Just two sprays,” I instructed. I can’t be certain for how long I labored in the water then, but after some time, Jennifer suggested I get out - change the pace - and I did. The water was calming but did seem to slow me down a bit - my contractions were still intense but farther apart. The idea was to keep things going. Progress, as sick as the notion seemed while I was ‘in it,’ was our aim. I most definitely do not want to undo any of the
progress I had made - so keep going, I told myself. (No Fear, No Worry, No Anger, Without Guilt, as my friend Jesse would say.) Jennifer was very present the entire time but was not there to tell me how to labor. Instead when I did hear her speak, I listened, knowing she was offering insight to that progress we needed.

Mariah, Jerrmy, and Jennifer were all also really great about suggesting I relieve my bladder and were also attentive to my liquids intake. We had used an ice cube tray to freeze pomegranate/blueberry naked juice and just pomegranate juice which made excellent, refreshing, tart cubes to suck on. The sugar really helped, and our birth kit came with this really handy straw by which the downing of liquids became incredibly easy (thanks straw!) Ice water was so good!!!

Jennifer and Mariah made a little ‘nest’ out of towels on the floor in the living room close to the birth pool, and there I labored some more. I really wanted to lay down because I was very tired. It must have been 3 a.m. For some contractions I stood up, leaned on Jerrmy. I tried the ‘on hand and knees’ position and was even able to lay on my right side then my left. All of a sudden during one of my side lying contractions I had to sit up and did- on my knees - and let out an animal grunt. Out of nowhere - I was pushing. My body was just kind of over taken. ‘I’m pushing,’ I said. ‘I didn’t
mean to - it just happened.’ Jennifer said that that was okay. She’d check me again after another couple contractions. She tried to listen to the baby and I had another contraction and asked her to wait - the fetal heart rate monitoring was kind of uncomfortable for me at times. (The baby’s heart rate was great the entire time!) After another couple contractions she checked me. I was afraid she would say I was the same, but instead she reported that I was 9 1/2 cm dilated and it was a ‘stretchy 9 1/2’ so I could push if i felt like it. Back into the birth pool to push. Contractions were
farther apart and my pushing was ‘inefficient’ (I realize now) as I was more grunting and not participating in my body’s natural reflex to bare down. It took me some time to get to the place that I needed to be to actually push. Looking back, it is shocking, a bit, when your attendant tells you you can push - it's like you are trying to get to that point, coping with the pain and it’s so hard and you are so tired but now you’ve got some real work to do!

After some time ‘pushing’ in the water - Jennifer suggested I get out and try to move around and, once again, change things up. It had been a while since I had peed, Jennifer said, maybe I should try sitting on the toilet. Once I sat on the toilet I was stuck there for a while, overtaken by contractions - my body pushing without warrant. They say ‘overwhelming urge to push,’ but at that point it seemed like my body was just reacting more than me having an urge or actually ‘doing’ anything. When I returned from the toilet I pushed standing up, I tried the birth stool a few times but was uncomfortable, I squatted once - I think, but mostly I just stood up hanging on Jerrmy. Jennifer provided ‘counter pressure’ against my perineum with a hot compress which gave me more confidence to actually bare down. That really helped me. After several pushes, I returned to the water - the baby was at the door. My contractions had actually spaced out quite a bit; I was able to rest between them or at least it seemed that way. I also made a conscious effort to ‘go for it’ when a contraction came and really push this baby out! At one point I saw bursts of electric technicolor light threads. There was a lot of energy. Energy and pain. I felt really psychic with my baby.

I felt like it was just me and the baby and I was saying ‘come on out baby, it’s time’ all the while still reminding myself to not panic when a contraction came. Also, this was a point where I really had to rally and make myself squat. It was time to push my baby out. I got pretty serious - focused on finally doing it. When a contraction came and the urge to push presented itself, I went for it - I pushed and held the push down while taking a breath and pushed some more again and again until the contraction was gone and then a little more. The room was dark, lighted only by a couple candles, and quiet, only the sound of the water sloshed about when I was not contesting the pain of
labor with my voice. With each push the baby’s head would come further then as I would take a break it felt like the head would retreat. I could feel the baby’s head when I reached down and felt- right there - just a fingernail-length away. (I should mention that the baby was being monitored under the water by doppler every few minutes and sounded great) Mariah brought a mirror out and held it in the water with a flashlight so I could see where the baby’s head was when I pushed. It was amazing and really helped to connect my pushing to how close the bag appeared with each effort. Jennifer and Mariah were very encouraging. They let me know when a push was a good push. Believe it or not, I was still not sure that this was ‘it.’ I thought I might be there forever, however I was aware that Jennifer and Mariah were moving about, preparing for the baby to actually come out. I was shocked, thinking: is this it?

Jennifer and Mariah had Jerrmy sit where he could catch the baby and they were both very calm and efficient in describing my progress to me. ‘When you push, the bag bulges out and the baby’s head is just beyond the bulge,’ Jennifer told me. I was amazed and still very certain that it might be hours more before I actually pushed my baby out, but at the same time each time I had a contraction, I told myself- ‘this is it,’ and I could tell that everyone else was in position - so, apparently I was pretty close. I pushed and held and pushed and could feel myself open. I was really going for it!

Jerrmy and Jennifer’s hands were in place: holding me back so that my baby’s head would be free - I yelled and whimpered the yells and whimpers of lady opening and bearing life. I felt the head emerge and the burning of my flesh stretching. ‘No cord,’ Jennifer said. Baby’s head was out. A few more yells then I remembered to lean back and pant, to stop pushing as to not trap the baby’s shoulder - I rested my head on Jennifer’s shoulder and asked her if I should still push - I waited, and then with one final push and one final primal yowl the baby was out. I watched my abdomen as my baby departed my womb - it was quite intense. Jerrmy caught the baby and I scooted back, raised myself and reached down and pulled the baby out of the water - I could feel the umbilical cord tug as I lifted baby to my chest and said ‘the cord is short.’ I leaned back in the pool as our baby began to wail! Pink and vibrant and fully taking in air to produce a strong cry! I repeated ‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god’ several times until I caught my breath and reached into the water to feel between the baby’s legs. Jerrmy was at my side and I looked at him and said ‘IT’S A BOY!!! IT’S A
BOY!!! I’M SO SURPRISED!’ Jennifer said he was born at 5:22am and ‘in the cull’ which means that he emerged still in his water bag which broke once his head came out! ‘I cannot BELIEVE I just did that,’ I said; and I couldn’t. I kissed my husband and was at that moment so relieved. It was truly incredible how very aware and awake I became. I had been somewhat locked inside myself for half an entire day and was now looking around talking, participating. We took a few moments to admire our baby. He squirmed and gurgled and cried some more. Jerrmy peered at him - amazed. My husband was so wonderful throughout the entire process - loving, quiet and attentive and now we shared a son. It was a great ending to our all night journey and a wonderful beginning of our family.

We left the birthpool to deliver the placenta which came out at once with an easy push, the baby and I made our first attempt at breast feeding, and Papa cut the cord. We got into bed, ate a little snack and nursed baby while Mariah prepared our herb bath of uva ursey, shepherd’s purse, comfrey, sea salt and garlic. We looked at the placenta and baby finished nursing (45 minutes worth of nursing!) Papa walked baby around against his bare chest while Jennifer checked me for tears (only minor - not requiring stitches); Jerrmy later reported that baby looked around and sneezed and hiccuped during those first moments together. I was happy to get into the herb bath. While I was thrilled to have just given birth (more so that it was over) I was exhausted. It had been many many moons since I had stayed up all night and it was now fully light outside plus, I had never worked so hard in my life! Our brand new baby boy got into the herb bath with me and we soaked. He cried at first but came around and seemed to enjoy the familiarity of warm liquid surrounding him; he looked around a bit as we just stared at him - truly amazed.

After our bath, it was time to weigh, measure, and dress baby. We all took guesses at his weight: Mariah was the closest- guessing 6lbs 15oz- he weighed 6lbs 14oz, was 20.5 inches long and was just perfect! Mariah administered the baby’s physical examination, took our temperatures, heart rates, etc. Baby and I were fully checked over and were both in great health. We bundled baby up, kissed and hugged the wonderful midwives goodbye and were off - our adventures in parenting to have only just begun! We all rested and each time the baby would stir, Jerrmy and I would wake
up and look at him and look at each other. We both took turns lowering our ears to his
face - ensuring that, yes, he was still breathing.

Twenty four hours after the birth, the midwives returned to check on us - heart rate, respirations, blood pressure, took little feet prints, etc. They watched us nurse to ensure a proper latch and aid with any troubles. Learning to nurse and teaching your baby to nurse can be a challenge. I found the humor in it all, which helped. Staying relaxed and patient paid off: my milk came within a few days, and each wet or meconium filled diaper assure me that my baby was doing just fine. Sure there were a few times that I would look at the clock and it had been 20 minutes before he latched on, but I was able to enjoy myself and him. I was so grateful to have him and grateful to have had a beautiful birth! The midwives returned to our home one week postpartum and checked on us again, it was great visit and really wonderful to not have to leave our cozy little home!

It would be days before we decided to call him Loukas Fox. I ‘heard’ the name while looking at him and visualized the spelling. My father also sent me a text message speculating that the picture we sent of baby looked like a ‘Luke or Lucas.’ After looking it up in a baby book we learned that Loukas is Latin for Bringer of Light. We had not once considered the name Loukas throughout the entire pregnancy and since no other names were apparent and we were positive that he brought light indeed, Loukas it was.

The first two weeks were magical. Jerrmy and I had a wonderful time those first several nights waking up to nurse and change baby, drink hot tea, and share the making of the first memories of our new family. We recorded each feeding and diaper we changed and were amazed at how bountiful our tiny baby’s waste could be, how often and long he could nurse for, and even how great a three hour stretch of sleep felt. At our two week check up, Louka weighed 8lbs 1oz clothed! He gained a full pound!!! Nursing my baby has been the most joyful experience - while it is an obviously natural occurrence, I can’t help but be blown away by my ability to produce milk for my baby!!! What a wonderful gift to be a mother - sure it is not without short lived discomforts but always worth the effort each time I wake next to my beautiful baby and am love struck all over.

Home birth was definitely the right choice for my family and we are sure that when we have another child, we will be at home. I feel that it is very safe and empowering. There was never a time during our entire birthing process that I felt I needed to be in a hospital or that I needed drugs. I knew that I was fit and healthy and that my baby was fit and healthy. Our midwife and her apprentice were more than sufficient in monitoring our baby and me. Jennifer and Mariah are so very knowledgeable throughout the entire experience - prenatal, labor, and postpartum - my husband and I learned so much. I realize how fortunate I am to have made the choice to have had
these wonderful women as a part of my first pregnancy and delivery. All the time we spent talking about pregnancy, birth, and parenting has been priceless. I am eternally grateful. Not only was their love, support, and knowledge a comfort to me before, during, and after labor - the entire experience has instilled in us the confidence we feel will enable us to be the loving parents we’ve always dreamed to be. Life will never be the same and for that we are so Blessed.